Beauty Chaser

Over the last few weeks, I have been asked a simple question that I simply don't know how to answer. "If you could do anything that you wanted to do, what would it be?" For someone who has been chasing their dream for over ten years you would think this would be simple. But if anything, I find it increasingly difficult as I look both in my past and toward my future.

What do I want? When you take out logistics, finances, all limitations. What is my dream? I stop. I ponder. I rack my head against the wall. And the only thing that comes out is this truth. I long for beauty.

It's true, I am a beauty chaser.  I have flown my beauty flag my whole life. Always seeking loveliness and striving to surround myself with it. This is why I dwell on paint colors, make valiant efforts to meet (and feel a personal connection with) the artists whose work adorns my walls, and fill my shelves with photographers/designers/artists whose work I admire. It is why, I NEED to pick up fresh flowers from Trader Joe's and arrange them around my home in beautiful pitchers and vases. This is why, I shamelessly preselect people at parties that I want to be friends with because I love the outfit they put together or the way they fixed their hair. It's why I spend hours on Pintrest and read way too many blogs just so I can soak in the eye candy that is just there for the taking.

It is why, I dwell over my own photography and strive to be better. I am ever learning greater technical skill. My goal daily is to capture truly beautiful, creative moments.

Even as I say what it is I truly want. I feel silly. That's my dream job? To be with and create beautiful things? Seems vague, and probably not exactly the answer that they were looking for. But it is the only truth that I have for the moment, so there is nothing to do but own it. I want to be with and create beautiful things.  I want to be a beauty chaser.

So today, I left behind the hours of editing, invoicing, and house cleaning. I picked up my camera, grabbed my husband, and we went to the home of the late philanthropist and collector Marjorie Merriweather Post's Hillwood, an urban oasis blending exquisite arts and lush botanicals in DC. And was I ever inspired! Talk about discovering the ultimate beauty chaser!

You know when you feel like you just understand someone no matter what your differences, not to mention your lifespan? I just felt her love of beauty in the house from the furnishings, to the Japanese gardens, and an incredible demitasse cup collection that inspired me to start one immediately. Hillwood hosts the most extensive collection of Russian imperial art outside of Russia, and a pretty incredible collection of 18th Century French art. It didn't hurt that she once had a career as a "diplomatic wife", she shares my love of delicate flowers, and spent two years bringing Hillwood to it's currently glory. Something tells me we'll run into each other in another life and be grand friends.

Now back to my truth, I was absolutely, enthusiastically thrilled to be there surrounded by all that beauty and the effort it took to create it. So that is it. It's official. I AM a beauty chaser.  Right now it's just me and Ms. Post but I welcome you to join me in my endeavors!

In Search of a Legacy

I am on a soul search. For some reason soul searching brings to my mind ideals of meditation, tea, and prayer. Maybe I've been watching to much Eat, Pray, Love. Or maybe we have the definition of soul searching all wrong, and we think that the clouds will part and our purpose will be before us.

When we arrived back in the states a year ago, I was bright eyed with the prospects of being stateside and excited for an opportunity to run an business without all of the bureaucratic red tape that I had encountered as a spouse in Zambia. Oh the joy of work! Well a year has gone by and like a new penny that has lost it's shine, I am forced to take off my rose colored glasses and analyze both my present and my future.

What people don't tell artists when they begin their journey is that even if you work for yourself, your client often dictates the terms of the deal, which in turn dictates your creativity. I have spent the last year learning how to photograph weddings, portraits, families, and events. I have created a business, a new brand, and gone from zero events per year to double digits. It has not been an easy road. Some days I have skinned knees and a bruised ego, but occasionally I have incredible success.

I started on this path because I fell in love with the idea of creating something. I stayed on the path because I loved people and I kept thinking that if I helped them in some way or captured a beautiful memory of their life that all I am and all I create would be of some value. The unfortunate truth of the matter is that most of the work I create is stored on a thumb drive, stuck in a drawer, with a few winning shots showing up in frames occasionally in someones home. This makes me question my legacy and ultimately my purpose.

I have no regrets in terms of what I've learned, nor in the skills that I've acquired on this journey. But I do have to ask the question, "What do I want to create?" If I can find the answer to that question, then all I have to do is be brave enough to make it happen.